What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 01:37
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What is after school detention like in your school?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why is it easy to make money in the USA?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What are mean nicknames to call my sister? She is always so mean to me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why do some men want to have anal sex with women?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
Are landlords allowed to make unreasonable requests?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I could never make a relationship work though!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
All the time i was locked up.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ive learnt so much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im still living with it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
I think the readers, may guess!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Comes on , in middle age.
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I will be 64.
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.